You Didn't Text Me! and Other Stories
by vonniebeth
Summary: So I don't like Twilight. Here's a bunch of stories where I mock the saga and its characters.
1. You Didn't Text Me!

"I'll text you tonight, Bella!" Edward called as he left Bella alone at her locker.

"Okay!" Bella called after him. "Yay, he's gonna text me tonight! I'm so excited!"

Bella walked home and did all of her homework. When dinner came, she couldn't eat a bite. "What's wrong, Isabella?" her mother asked.

"Edward's gonna text me tonight!"

"That's nice. Eat."

"I can't. I'm excited. My crush is gonna text me! Yay!"

"You really need to cut that out. Eat."

"Okay, okay. Fine."

"Thank you."

After dinner, Bella ran upstairs to her room and stared at her phone, waiting for Edward to text her. "I think I'm too desperate." Bella turned on her radio and listened to every song.

"Isabella, lights out!" she heard her mother call.

"Huh?" Bella looked at the time on her cell phone. 11:45. "No. He hasn't texted me yet."

"Do I have to turn the lights out for you?"

"No." Bella turned the lights out and tried to not sleep, but she passed out at some point. The next morning at school, Bella ran angrily to Edward. "You didn't text me!" she yelled.

Edward's face turned red. "Jeez, Bella, something suddenly came up. My mom was having an appendectomy."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know, appendicitis is deadly. I had to be there for my mom cuz I love her. Are you like obsessed with me?"

"YES!" Then Bella covered her mouth. "Oops!"

"Stalker." Edward walked away.

"Come back!"

"Stalk me if you dare!"

"That ends THAT relationship…"


	2. Cheerleading Tryouts

"Cheerleading tryouts?" Bella and Alice squealed. "Yay!" They ran to the gym and saw a lot of other teenage girls and a few teenage boys that wanted to be cheerleaders.

"Welcome to cheerleading tryouts!" the captain, Melissa, said perkily. "Now, if you are not flexible or if you are a boy, please go away!"

"Aw!" several people moaned sadly as they walked away.

"Thank you. That takes care of that shit. Now, Alice, would you like to go first?"

"N-No thank you!" Alice stammered.

"When I said that, it meant now, Alice, you are going first. Get your ass over there and do something."

"Um okay." Alice walked to the middle of the gym and shouted, "Ready? Okay! 2-4-6-8, who's the girl that we all hate? Melissa! Melissa! Melissa! Boo, Melissa!"

As everyone laughed, Melissa narrowed her eyes. "Alice, that was repulsive. You will NEVER be a cheerleader!"

"Okay. As long as I don't have to see your ugly face."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now, Bella, you're up."

"Okay!" Bella said happily. She walked to the middle of the gym and shouted, "M! E-L! I-double S-A! Yes we hate Melissa! She is the worst!"

"Bella, that was rude. Cuz I like you better than Alice, I'll give you another chance to take this seriously. Got it?"

"Right in my clutches."

"Then go ahead."

"One! I hate Melissa! Two! A little bit louder! Three! You still can't hear me…"

"No, I can hear you! As loud as train engines. You'll never be a cheerleader."

"Aw. Damn it. I so badly wanted to be a cheerleader."

"Well too fucking bad."

"Oh well." Bella sadly left the gym. "I suck."

Alice nodded. "Yes you do!" she agreed.

"You didn't get in either."

"I only went to fuck with Melissa. I knew we wouldn't get in."

"How?"

"I'm psychic, remember?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Cuz I didn't feel like it."

"We're no longer friends."

"We never were."


	3. Chess Club

**guest starring Henry from _Next to Normal_**

"I can't believe you dragged me here," Jacob said sadly. "What the hell is the point of having a club dedicated to a stupid game called chess?"

"Shut up," Edward laughed. "Chess is fun, if you give it a chance. You're lucky cuz I'm not that good."

"Then why are we here?"

"Why not?"

"I hate you, you know that?"

"Yeah. Come on."

"Hey Edward!" a random guy shouted. "I believe we have some unfinished business."

"But I brought a friend."

"I don't care. He can play with that nerd Henry."

"Sorry, Jacob."

"I'm gonna kill you!" Jacob shouted without kidding.

"Hi," Henry said.

Jacob stared at Henry. "Bye."

"No, you and I are going to play chess. Sit down."

"I have homework to do."

"Okay." Henry gave Jacob a sad look. "Bye then."

"If I stay will you PLEASE stop with the sad look?"

"Absolutely."

"Then fine. ONE game."

"Yay!"

"So how do you play?"

"It's easy. These move 1 space, these move in an L shape…"

Jacob zoned out. "This is stupid," he thought to himself.

"Got it?"

"Yes."

"Then let's go. I'll move first so you can get a visual."

"Okay, sounds fair."

"There. Your turn."

"Um, okay." Jacob picked up the horse and shook his head. "What?"

"L shaped."

"Oh, right." Jacob moved the piece. "I forgot."

"It's okay." Henry moved another piece and gave Jacob a smile. "Go ahead."

"Okay." Jacob moved the piece in front of the king. "Your turn."

Henry moved the piece and knocked the king off. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay."

"No it's not. If I knock your queen off too, I win."

"Oh no." Jacob moved a piece and Henry laughed. "What?"

"This." Henry knocked the queen off. "Checkmate."

"Checkmate?"

"I win."

"Damn it!"

"Hey, you did, well, um, okay for your first time."

"I did horrible."

"Yeah, you technically did."

"Thanks a friggen lot."

"Want to play again?"

"No. I am so out of here!" Jacob stormed out.

"Oh well."

"Hey!" Edward shouted at Henry. "Did you just get a checkmate in 4 moves?"

"Yeah."

"Dude, that's like a world record."

"Well, Jacob sucks at chess."

"He just doesn't want to give it a chance."


End file.
